Well, it has been awhile but I have finally gotten back into WoW. Its been awhile and I ended up desided to scrap most of my chars (A few were much lower in level then I thought.) Anyways, at the moment I have 3 chars that are going to get rather equal usage. A night-elf Rogue, a Night-elf Druid and an Undead Warlock. All are on Feathermoon since that is where I started and had the rogue plus my bro is there and we made two of our chars to work together alot. Im open to make a char or two on other servers if there is anyone that wants to play. Anyways, Feathermoon is down for another 15 minutes or so ... so I am going to use this time to eat or something then I'll get back and add my char info to the sidebar. Late.

Heh gee no wonder I have a problem updateing LJ. Some damned thing comes up every time. Get this. I deside I want to keep up with LJ again and keep up with my HD friends and junk and almost right away my computer fucks up. The other day I went to turn on my comp and suddenly I smelt this funny... burnt electronics smell. My monitor was giving off a high pitch sound ( It did that a long time ago but I fixed it... maybe I can do it again but... what was troubleing is the smell and the fact that when I start the comp it takes a while to start loading then it cant find the operating system. I have had an error like that before but ... I dont know if I can fix it this time. There is a chance that one of the HD's got fried. If so... *sigh* I am going to have to grab one of the other HD's we have... I think we have one working one left... install an os on it... so much work and my comp may still not work... and even if I do get it working it will take forever to fix some of the crap I fixed before... Luckaly most of my data is on a seperate HD so if THAT one is okay I atleast havent lost my info. But there is always the chance that I fried something more important... so there is a chance I may be stuck with out a computer entirely ... it was bad enough that my comp sucks but... now I might be completly with out a computer save occational time I can grab on my mom or brothers computers. Which will be pretty minimal. ;_; ... fucking hell... I dont have the cash to buy the G5 mac I want/need for film and junk... I cant afford a decent apple laptop... I cant even afford to build a PC at the moment... if I shopped around I am sure I could make a decent PC (way better then mine) for 500-1000 bucks but I really dont have that right now... *sigh* Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK....

A few minutes ago ... I felt... fine. Not great but fine. But sitting down here at the computer I really cant escape the utter dread of what I might type. I've desided to just type as things come to my mind and not ...censor myself. That could be a big mistake. I do not mean to offend anyone... unless I say otherwise. And honestly I may say stupid, mean, pointless or things that belie a man of wit and inteligance. Who knows... maybe I am not really all that smart anyways.

I'll start with some positive things. I have been makeing decent progress on a couple of scripts. I am very happy with that. Though I can never get any writing done at home... so since I am stuck at home a lot of the time... Well... hopefully I can fix my damned car soon. Hmm anything else positive. Well, I am hopeing to get into a culinary school for the spring as I am totaly bored with DeAnza. I hate school, it is not that it is hard... I just... loose interest with my classes half the time... even the ones I like sometimes. Something comes up... I miss a class or two... they turn out to have been critical... or I forget to do a paper... or something and instead of fixing it I often just stop going. I am also FINALLY close to being able to fix my damned teeth. I doubt most people can really understand how much these fucked up teeth have set me back. Discounting lower confidence (not that much honestly but some) a few of the back teeth are so sensitive to various things that eatting or drinking can be nigh impossible. -interlude- I had to step away from the comp for a few hours... house work and the like... and I am sooo unhappy about my teeth now... I was carrying an older receiver and I ... stupidly mind you ... balanced the stupid thing on my leg while I sat on the ARM of the sofa to clean the thing ... to make maters worse I had the stupid cord in my mouth .. to keep it from draging and tripping me. Well... honestly as dumb as all this was it would have been fine had I not felt a foot cramp coming on... one of those harsh ... geting stabbed in the foot ones... I tend to feel them comeing on and sometimes if I move my leg... or sometimes grab my foot and such it will go away before it gets bad... well I felt the cramp coming on and... I basicaly went to dump the receiver on the sofa... only the cord was in my mouth so the fast movement basicaly chipped one of my teeth even worse... God... that reaally fucking blows... damn ... gah......

Let us see ... I may as well get to the fruit of this , what is likely to be childish, rant. I had high hopes for this house recently... I mean we got the fucking place all nice and pretty so we could have a damned appresal and such... but it didnt really last that long. To be fair though we hadnt reeally finish the job ... there is crap in the garage that we are getting to... we are dumping stuff or giving it to goodwill... that is all good. But we.. by we I MOSTLY mean my mom... keep stalling on the important stuff. We started the bathroom before we started the kitchen... and the bathroom still hasnt been finished ... sure the sink needs to be installed and some tile put in ... a job my mom wanted to leave for a friend that does this kinda thing only... that never happend... she put it off and the guy undoubtably got busy. And because I dont have a fucking job and I live here I am expected to be working like all the damned time since the work never seems to be done... its not like its a mater of doing the dishes... takeing out the trash etc... no its literaly every fucking day : Clean the kitchen that somehow got trashed (people too lazy to put stuff in the dish washer so they put shit in the sink... till THAT gets full then the area around the sink... then I go to make something and the whole sink is full so I cant even wash my pans when I am done.. (sure I could clean the dishes in the sink first but since there is NO form of order in the place we typically dont even get to a meal till everyone is already so starving we can bearly wait the time it takes to make food much less clean dishes.) To be fair I like chaos to some extent but dinner is one thing we should fucking just do at the same time every day. Since we have Spainish habits in that we eat late ... but because we have no sence of order... people keep cluttering up my ... (yes ... MY ... I am the damned cook... its my kitchen damnit! ) fridge... panty... counters... sink... we can never find anything... we have sooo much crap we dont use... parts of meals... parts of parts of meals... but honestly... we almost never really have what we need to make a real meal. Getting food just keeps getting put off ( till the fridge is cleaned... till the pantry is organized... psh... we can clean and orgainize all we want but it will still get fucked up in less then a week because there is so much JUNK ) I may just have to go in there and dump everything I wont use and put everything where I want it... label things so people cant say they dont know where to put shit and get rid of all the shit my mom seems to think is good for orgainizing but really just collects crap. The fucking pantry should be for : breakfast stuff like cerial, oatmeal etc, things like a couple things of pasta, sauce, unopenned juices and sodas, cake mixes ... and then maybe stuff you plan to use in the next... week or so... oh.. I guess some cans of soup and a few cans of vegies or something is good... but we have shit that has been in there for more then a god damned year. And the fridge.. .come on... my mom has no idea how the fucking thing SHOULD be orgainized... it is set up in a way that anything put in the top shelf that isnt right in the front ... never gets touched... lost to the ages... honestly... anything put in the fridge gets fogotten often because nothing ... other then the milk is put in the right place. But I digress... there is always SO much to get done yet so little gets done... but because of the chance that something might and occationally does get done I am bound to forgo so many things ... especially since my car is out of commission at the moment. It is funny how my mom complains sometimes about stuff not getting done or how we are takeing advantage of her niceness ( takeing my brothers computer away for what should have been a short period and what turned into 8 fucking months ... and how she would tell him he would have to do X to get it back only X would turn into X, Y, Z, ... and so on. She isnt NICE perse ... she is passive agressive. ... though I suppose I am a bit myself...) I wonder what controling me thru guilt and "responciblity" counts as. Sure... it partialy happens cause I let it ... to some extent... honestly.. I do live here... she could have kicked me out... she could demand rent.. she doesnt. So expecting me to pull my weight isnt unfair... what is unfair though is she has tried to make me feel bad about every "fun" thing I have done for quite a while... ( well not EVERY but many if not most) I deside to help a friend fix up his place ... she "lets" me ... but of course when I get back its " oh why couldnt you do some work here" Well I do... its just that ... well here almost any work you do is almost compleatly erased with in days ... the problem isnt really the work... its doing it here way... cause it just doesnt work... I wanted to try something different a ways back... I desided to try shareing a bed room with my bro and turning my old room into the game room. Well got the bedroom fixed up... got my tv and junk into the back room... we needed some beanbag chairs... my mom desided to wait... I dont remeber why... might have been a good reason... none the less we didnt get the beanbags... to make maters worse like as we are moving stuff in she desides to use slightly more then half the room for "temp" storage of boxes (this was slightly more then 2 years ago) She moved a few boxes out but that is it... but since we werent really supposed to used the downstairs tv for our video games we had to use the little space we had and no chairs... not very inviting. Well needless to say those boxes we never really delt with... my brother would dig thru them... leave them all fucked up and unorgainzed... probaly trying to find something that wasnt likely to be in those boxes anyways. Finaly I got fed up an consolodated the boxes down to a 1/4 or so of the room and at this point me and my bro had to put our comps somewhere so I got an end table and my bro used boxes... and since the boxes werent mine and there was supposedly no where else to put them.. they stayed... got dug thru... sometimes more where added... So my game room turned into a storage room and you may or may not know how it is but when things arent in a comfortable order and junk ... they tend to get messed up faster (it doesnt help that my brother is really messy... leaving dishes with STUFF in them all around, he still does that in our room... grr) See my logic was originally... well I mostly use the bedroom for sleeping so I dont mind shareing it if I have a game room with my x-box and computer to COMFORTABLY hang out ... well that never happend now did it? Eventually we moved rooms because my grandma was spending more time here and she needed her own room (she likes it way to warm for most of us and she snores) So we gave her the room near the stairs and took the old guest room. We only just got to those boxes after I had orgainized them like 3 times in the past and had more piled in ... like .. a month or so ago... though it is still a storage room... though an orgainized one and this time since I put up racks for the boxes it looks okay and only takes maybe.. 1/3 of the room which.. I can live with. Though for now it is being set up as a guest room/storage but after the holidays I can probaly get a few nice beanbags or something... maybe even clear out and take out a few racks ... get a tv up and actualy have the game room I was supposed to have.. 2 years ago. Ugghh.. And my bro still leaves glasses of milk around... which leads me to get frustrated and eventualy give up... I got tired of friends popping over and seeing the messes .. and being disguested... sure I can tell them "its jere" And it would be true but honestly... atleast a part of them links it to me. My brother makes messes everywhere he goes I am not saying I am a neatfreak but... I keep my mess pretty much to a meter range around my computer. And that can be cleaned in ... like 5 - 10 minutes ... yet I get slack for all these messes ... "You guys" leave. Thats right me and my brother have been labeled a single fucking entity. It is always : You guys messed up the living room, you guys havent been doing enough house work, you guys are on the computer or video games to much. Hell the other day I even got a "You guys dont like spam" (dont ask how that came up nothing interesting really) And honestly... I kinda like spam and eggs .. I mean not for a regular meal but... I'd eat it if it were given to me. Why the fuck cant people see that my bro spends 80% of his time on games and his comp while I spend almost none on my comp these days except sometimes in the morning or evening .. occationaly a chunk of the day but not often... and I have gone days with out playing games before... or atleast waiting till late at night anyways. As for work... I have singlehandly cleaned rooms countless times with little or even no asking... my bro takes 4 hours to get to the trash sometimes. And like I said... I pretty much keep my mess to around my computer... or my bedroom atleast. My bro is cool and all but... he can be stuborn and he really gets way to addicted to the computer. It is one thing to spend all your free time on it... it is another to spend ALL you time on it.

Mmm now that atleast part of my frustration is out I may as well get to the possibly mean part. I cant claim to know how other people feel inside.. how they interalize and exteralize angerbut for me... I dunno... I am a pretty laid back person for the most part but as of late atleast I have been much more easyly irritated. Which is kinda ironic since I wont lie... I am surely a very irriting person to be around sometimes... The other day I was hanging out with some friends and we desided to play poker... well we played with the rules we have used in the past... they have worked well and even though I loathed the fact that they .. almost kiddie rules... I accepted it. We'd basicaly play using domino and chess pieces as chips... chess = 2 and domino = 1. We divide them up and we play (texas holdem) So... the rules are... everyone puts in 1 at the begining of the hand. then everyone bets... we see the flop... bet... turn card .. bet. River. bet. Show hands. Well okay.. that part is okay. And we set a max of 4 per round of betting. Fine ... I can live with a limit... I dont like it but when we have such a limited amount of "chips" I am fine with it. I would have prefered to atleast have high and low blinds but... since people didnt want to learn that... everyone just puting one at the start. But hey... it is just for fun so ... what ever. I am a bit of a perfectionist in that I like to do games like poker and stuff the right way... cause it really is more fun that way but.. a my laid back fun is okay. This perfectionism though set me off the other day... as it was I was getting hungry since I hadnt been able to eat as much as I would have liked when we went out earlier cause my teeth were hurting ( not eatting really throws me off ... I can get reaally irritated by simple things ... it is not cool) and I was loosing bad. On the first hand I played a bluff that honestly should have worked... I got two of my friends to fold but steve didnt.. I dont know if he liked his hand.. thought I was bluffing or just wasnt thinking streight cause he was half asleep having only gotten like ... 35 minutes of sleep . But ... he didnt fall for the bluff and I lost big. Had this been a real game... I would have won I am rather sure of it. Maybe he called my bluff because hell... its just a game... nothing real was on the line. So I lost pretty big.. no big deal. Now the next hand well that WAS me being stupid I had no business betting that much with the hand I got .. I should have folded but I thought I had a chance at a strieght draw... I lost big again. Another hand or so and one of my friends starts talking about maybe we shouldnt all put one in at the start... and another is like ... maybe we should change the limit to 2 instead of 4. And that set me off... it was dumb but... honestly... what the fucking kind of fun is that?! I didnt want to play such a childish pointless game of poker. Poker is ABOUT betting... Poker is ABOUT bluffing... how do you bluff with out any risk? So... at first I just say it isnt a good idea but they pushed ... and I took it as misguided pity since I was loseing and I wanted none of it. If I had been thinking strieght I would have said what I said above about poker with out risk is no fun. Though I did probaly give merit to their complaints when I jokeingly took 3 extra chess pieces and said I would play with those when I ran out of cash. They didnt take it as a joke and I guess I soured up ... I fliped someone off... cursed a few times and told them I wanted nothing to do with "this" poker game. I am sure to them it seemed like I was pissed that I lost... far from it... I was pissed that they were trying to convince me that the game needed to be butchered for my own good (though it may not have been ment that way by them I took it as such) I made those mistakes on my own the game and rules were not at fault. I think what pissed me off the most though was at the end one of my friends said something like " geez you dont need to be acting fake angry" Or ... something like that... I WAS REALLY PISSED DAMN IT... but I cooled down fast... I dunno, too many people in the past have taken my anger in jest ... I dont FAKE being angry. I am a laid back guy so if I seem or act angry I FUCKING AM DAMN IT! That said... I am not mad at any of them really... I mean I was the one that acted unreasonably... but towards something assinine in the first place.

What else... hrmmm... I am toying with the idea of just saying fuck it to LJ anyways... I dont update often... I never really read anyone elses anymore... I dont keep up with HD and no one seems to care ( No pity "aww we care" ) I mean sure I am the one that stopped paying attension so I dont expect anything. But if you cared ... you'd have said something... even hi or something. (please dont now unless I was totaly mistaken and you have just been so swamped you havent had time to even think about it much less do it... which I can understand) I myself am rarely actually at my computer even when AIM says I am there I often am not but I do leave aim up a lot. Hellos could be in order. Or not *shrugs* I am not indifferent ... I'd like it but I am not begging for attension I am just saying I am more accessable now and I do miss many of my friends I just wanted to get some shit off my back first... rant a bit... see if anyone cares.
And please please dont fucking comment and say " oh that sucks" or something impersonal like that... a comment like that would be inept at best. Please tell me I am a whineing child and my woes are little but a trifle. Tell me your tale of woe. Tell me how you dealt with something similar... JUST TELL ME SOMETHING WITH A BIT OF FEELING OF SOMETHING ! You hate me... you love me... you think I should be smacked around till I stop whining... what ever. Anyways... I am not going to reread this to see if I even make sence or anything... I am not supposed to really anyways it was a stream of consiouness thing so... toodles.

Side note... that isnt the whole of my troubles but I got tired of bitching and honestly... some of them are private anyways. There is some good stuff not mentioned too so... it isnt all bad.

So, I am playing as my new Gnome Mage. Level 9 with Enginering and mineing Professions. I was already makeing decent silver ( 1-4 silver profit ) selling junk to stores when I desided to try selling a low level gun to other players. It cost me about 3 silver and 30 copper to make . And roughly equal guns at stores sell for 13 plus silver. So I figure... sell it for 10 silver. So... I offer it up. After awhile I deside to screw the usual "wst [item] 10 silver" crap for a more charming sales retoric. Needless to say a play said he'd buy 10 guns. I said I was sorry butI only had one but he offered to buy it... for 1 GOLD. So ... we met up and he asked if he could maybe give me a little MORE ... so I say thanks... and he gives me 5 GOLD. Hehehe. That was sweet.

With the shit out of my system... part of me wants to be angery and spitefull. I dont even know why really. Does anyone care? A childish needy part of me wants everyone to shower me with attension and well wishing. Another part doesnt care... doesnt need that. And a deeper angry parts wants to tell everyone fuck off. That part wants to blaim others for a percieved growing madness growing inside. It wants to spread pain and grief. It wants to be selfish and attension hogging. And at this point you could argue that this is my conssession to it... I wont deny I could simply shut it up. But I figure I can sate it better by letting the words get out. Partially atleast. It is so easy to be angry... and dont take this wrong but it feels so good. Think about it. Seriously Angry... hate... rage... feels good... its when you come down from it... that is when things dont feel so good. And ... rarely is anything worthy of those feellings . I dunno... the worst is the deperate sadness of sadness or boredom. It... warps the mind more then anger... makes you doubt everything. It makes you feel like you are looseing your mind. Mmm well lets try to make this a less pointless entry eh?

---

As of late I started listening to Duran Duran alot. Untill about a week ago I had only heard : Rio and Hungry like a wolf. Both of which are ... eh. But I stumbled upon another Duran Duran song and started listening to a bunch of thier other songs. Namely: Planet Earth, Electric Barbarella, Astronaut, What Happens tomarrow and A View to a Kill. All great songs.

As I look at her I find myself filled with sadness.
Does she care. Do I care...
It is so easy to despare. So easy to be mad.
The hard part is letting go when it is time...
or holding on when it is not.

... what ever. Fuck sadness. Fuck despare.
And fuck this passive whineing monolog.
Plain and simple... I dont want to be alone.

I have a face... a voice in mind but the touch
and warmth is absent. I cant feel her and it fills
me with no end of sadness.

---

I am so utterly bored. Not just now, but with everything. I can derive moments of pleasure from Halo 2 or Black Hawk down (A rather nice military FPS actually)or WoW or hanging out with friends, or this or that but in the end I am quite simply bored. I am rather close to taking my friend Linds up on his offer to visit him in Colorado. Well I hope to do that sometime in early Sept maybe anyways... before I have to be back for classes. Providing I even try to take classes. Whats the point. I just end up dropping half of them half way thru the quarter. When I say drop ... what I mean to say is stop attending. You know... 9 out of 10 teachers will SAY you have to drop because they wont drop you and then still give you a withdraw. Heck , this quarter was the first time I have ever actually gotten an F from a teacher for just not going to his class anymore. I dunno, the thing is half the classes I take I already know all the material and I just loose interest in going... or I read the textbook at the begining of the quarter and ... loose interest in going. Frankly I'd much rather blow out of class and go see a movie. Hell, I whole heartedly feel that "Downfall" and "Millions" were wayyy more informative then my history class last quarter. I am a film major after all. That is the other thing. I have had so much needless stress coming at me from all directions that I dont even have the time to take any GOOD film classes. I can take the reflective classes where you watch films and stuff but I had to drop out of two classes I WANTED to do last quarter : Directing and Intermidite film production. Two classes where you actually make film projects simply because I couldnt find a suitable cam and the fact that my crew sorta semi disbanded. That is to say my director of cinimatography/editor/special effects guy got feed up with film on our last project and went onto another major... or... atleast not doing film all the time so... I mean I could call him in for help but its not the same when he doesnt HAVE to get the project done for a grade.
I dont blaim him though... we had so many problems with the last one. We had issues getting actors. We had an actress bail on us which caused me to have to go back and rewrite part of the script to recast that char as a male. And I had to minimize the part's speaking role since the guy I got was one of my friends that didnt want to ... talk much on cam... we had to work around two actors times. (our lucky break was that we got twins and we didnt need both in the same shot for a chunk of it so we were able to use which even twin we could get ahold of). The worst part was we were still filming footage the DAY before the project was due. We were so crunched that we had to film a few scenes with less then desirable light and sadly... it was the first damned scene so... not cool. Much of the rest turned out looking nice... but yeah me and my friend were both online working on the film till past 7am. I was useing flash to make an animated title sequence and a few overlays for the film and sending them to him while he was editing right up to the last second. I mean I came out pretty nice in the end. I am proud of it and it was rather fun to do... but it was also a major stress... I'd rather have that kinda stress though then what I go thru most of the time.
I've also been having a hard time writing lately. Idea's come but they are so hard to flesh out enough for a suitable script.
I feel dulled... distant. I want to reach out and touch some one... some thing but all I can feel is cold... empty. Sapping my will to fight it. I need a reason to fight I guess. I need people... voices... faces... I need an excuse to live. I... need a catalyst... a person... a thing ... a protolyth to spark my will to do more then bumble in the dark , blindly grasping for nothing in preticualar.

Ok... WoW update then. Since that is all that has really been up for the last few days. Well... a few things have happened but I'll touch on them tomarrow. Soo

My Night elf Rogue is at level 11 now. I only got to level 2 ... or what it 3 with my undead mage.

I made 2 more chars but I havent even tried them yet. A night elf hunter. Her name is Julinara on Feathermoon. And an undead warlock. Her name is Oninina on Shadow Coucil. If ANY one GET either name you get a shinny penny, a cookie and instructions on how you are going to go out and find that shinny penny promissed and how to make cookies. And then give them to me... so I can give you that cookie... *cough* Err to make is easier... one is a TV show reference and the other is a combo of two foreign words.

Yeah... all elves or Undead... so?! Heh... I dunno... maybe later I'll make a tauren Shaman . Or a human... piece of crap... err I mean... something. *shrugs* Maybe a troll. Or a gnome... I dunno.

Well,

I have WoW up and going. At the moment I have 2 chars. A night elf Rogue and an Undead Mage.


--
Kraseth - Undead Mage - Shadow Counsil
Sataer - Night Elf Rogue - Feathermoon

Well , I bit the bullet and ... well got World of Warcraft. I havent started up yet cause I cant use this comp to do it... So I have to use my bros or my moms. Mom is using hers and my bro got his computer power cord taken away and hasnt gotten that back yet ( damned unique power cord ) Annnyways, I plan to play an Undead Mage and probaly a Night elf Rogue. I havent desided the servers yet... I'll probaly play on RP servers ... Feathermoon for the Night Elf since Ashley is already there. Well hrmm I am probaly going to see Land of the Dead tomarrow.
I am finaly going to make a new theme... 3 probaly. It is just such a damned pain to do all that work... I am actually thinking of putting together the look with photoshop and or a few other progs then hopeing I can get some one to actually put a theme together based on my design. So... I am thinking : An American Psycho theme ( I need to take some screen caps from the DVD before I return it) , A zombie theme (Land of the dead, Dawn of the dead, original Night or a mix ) , Maybe a ghostbusters theme... or maybe a Resident Evil theme... or a system shock 2 theme... or a Segata Sanshiro theme ( a character from Sega Saturn Comercials in Japan)
Now... I just need to actually... DO the work... oi. Heh

( Rhys Update )